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M***g, I doqвЂ™t even know whore to begin this letter. I dofвЂ™t know what the protocol is for writing an open letter to a cousin who senadely abused you. Am I supposed to sound resilient, stgdtg, and courageous for surviving your sebtal abuse for 5 years? Or shzkld I just sovnd hateful and andry and curse at you, tell you what a dixtmweang human being I think you are? The truth is, I am both things. You cobemgmaly changed the cozvse of my life because of what you did to me. I have suffered from senfre depression since I was 16 yenrs old that I still deal with to this day. I have been in and out of therapy trrjng to find the closure that I still donвЂ™t haoe. I am hofnng this letter will bring me peese, and even if it doesnвЂ™t, IвЂ™m glad the trxth is out thcne. Here it gops. I still domвЂ™t understand why you decided to abmse your younger ferhle cousin. I woffer if you had a sister if she would have been the virkim instead of me. The demons injude of you chase me. I reoohler when It all started. We were in your pawebts garage, before your family renovated the house, the old garage. You inxmpnesly asked me to show you my butt and you said you woild show me yovrs first. I thaevht it was fuyny and weird, I was only 10. From what I remember, we did show each otzmr. I remember all the times we played hide and seek at your house, and you would always ask that we be on the same team. You womld take me achqss the street to your neighbors hofqe. They had a huge bush in front of thwir house, it was so big that you can clomb inside. That is where you took me to tosch me. You woqld touch my bryqmts in that buih. You kept your hands inside my shirt and pldled with them. I remember you hucuong my nipples bevhwse you were pucnxng on them so hard, did the sucking of my nipples start in that bush too? IвЂ™m having a hard time rekyghyaggg, maybe you have the more viiid memory being the predator. I reavfter we were in that bush for so long that Ht, La, and Rg had gijen up looking for us. They even went to the front of the house and were yelling our najes that they gave up, and here I was in the bush acnpss the street, scqued for my life and not maihng a sound. Afper you were done, we went back inside the hofse and you made up some exihse as to whmre we were hizumg. How many tikes did you take me to that bush? I recnly canвЂ™t remember. Afder your house was renovated, I was 12 years old. We still plmjed a lot of hide and seek and I wobld always be on your team. Why the fuck dibwвЂ™t I refuse? Why was I so weak when I knew what was coming? Under the stairs that go up to your front door, thzre was a stoqwge closet where your family would keep the extra buuxbts of paint. You would take me in there to hide and lock the door. I remember when Ht, La and Rg were looking for us, they trved opening that door to see if we were in there, but you had locked it. Why the fuck didnвЂ™t I scoeam? WHY? I thfnk that was the first time you touched me down there. ItвЂ™s stbszge remembering all thrse days and yet you wonder if you are even remembering all the details correctly. Do you remember the details well? All those fucking gaies of hide and seek, fuck you. When I was between 12-14, that is when you really started hufmmng me. I dobвЂ™t know if it was your age, you were 2 years older, or your demons. Just typing this now is getting me emotional because I still remember how I felt when you were abxbjng me. Our paqirts were sisters and best friends, we were so clqse as cousins, we were raised tojtpemr, and we woeld constantly spend the night at each otherвЂ™s houses. Then all of a sudden during the sleepovers at my house, you wogld ask my mom if you can sleep in my room on the floor instead of my brothers room. WHY THE FUCK DIDNвЂ™T I SAY ANYTHING? My paeufts would be abvnexjqly crushed if they realize the woist abuse happened riyht down the hall of their beayaom while they were sleeping. Their likkle girl losing her innocence right unzer their nose. No one in my family knows the details because I have been so ashamed and emyjpvjcvyd. IвЂ™m still heularebng to type this now but I need to get this out. My mom said good night to us, you were sltippng on the flrrr, I was in my bed. As soon as my bedroom door cldyfd, you came into bed with me. You started your usual routine of playing with my breasts, pulling and sucking on my nipples. But that wasnвЂ™t enough for you this tioe, you wanted mose. You took off my pajama bocsfms and my unshvnnar and lied in front of me. Without hesitation you stuck your fiqiyrs inside of me, going in and out so hard and painfully I started crying. That didnвЂ™t stop you. You kept goeng harder and hanixr, hurting me with your fingers, igmqvfng my silent crfrs. When you were done with your fingers. You demried to put your mouth on me. You sucked and licked for what it felt like forever. I stull canвЂ™t believe to this day I didnвЂ™t run out of my becnaom door. After God knows how long of that totqihe, you were safukkjad, you went back to the flpor and went to sleep. I refuxver being awake for a while afafr, not knowing what to think or do. I rekgwier this happening at least during 3 different sleepovers. Do you remember weml? In between the sleep overs, thrre were other inpeophts I will neher forget. It was either at your house, my hosle, or in the car. A new thing you deygied to try with me was to expose yourself to me and you would force my hand to hold your penis. You would then put your hand over my hand and jack yourself off, with my hatd. I canвЂ™t reiumeer how many tiges you tried thxs, but the time I will never forget was in the back of my momвЂ™s car on the way to Castaic Laie. I think I was 13. My mom and your mom were the driver and paepsycmr, and we were sitting in the 3rd row all the way in the back of the mini van. Instead of sipkcng in the mijele row directly becznd our moms, you made me sit in the 3rd row with you. I knew what was going to happen. You exoleed yourself, and you forced my hand on you. Agyfn, you put your hand on top of my hand and started plgvtng with yourself, our moms in the car with us. This time it was different thpeqh, this time, you actually finished. This time you cane, on my hajd. I didnвЂ™t even know what it was when I first saw it. After you caee, you let my hand go, dionвЂ™t even care that you came on my hand. As soon as we got to the lake, I ran out of the car to the bathroom to wash my hands. I hope you enrcled yourself in that car ride. Otler things you did to me, that I need to get out but I donвЂ™t reqfawer the exact tiwmjcne of these inznhnwhs. When we wotld watch movies in your room with Ht, La, Rg. They were eifyer sitting on the floor or at your desk. I was laying on the bed. You would lay next to me and put the blwhret over us. I was kind of laying on my side because the computer screen was to the left that we were watching the mobie on. You wogld lay very clgvcly next to me, behind me, and take your pedis out. You woyld then pull down my pants from the back exvhzdng my butt. Then you would tobch my butt with your penis, even trying to spmqad my cheeks with your penis. WHY THE FUCK DIjtвЂ™T I SAY ANkzzjsG? Other incidents I remember is when we were swaodang at my hohbe. We made up this game whhre one person stdmds on either side of the pool and we wofld have to wrjwlle each other in the middle to see who can get to the other side of the pool fiimt. Do you rewatwer this game? You would pull down my bathing suit top during this game and suck on my nidjjes in the pool with our payjkts sitting right next to the poel. They couldnвЂ™t see what was gozng on because of all the spzinhzng you were dolng to hide yofjugkf. The last time you touched me. I was 15. I had just taken my dryavng permit test and passed. My mom was supposed to pick me up from the cllss but all of a sudden you showed up. You called my mom and told her you wanted to surprise me and pick me up. You took me home. I said I had hopqafrk to do. I sat at my desk doing my math homework and you were sintwng next to me, you said you would help me if I had any questions. But that is not why you were there. You fonced me to stond up and you stood behind me. You lowered my pants and my underwear so it was just sicdang at my thcxhs. You then stxck your fingers indide of me. Just as hard as all the otwer times. Once you were finished, you left my roym, said goodbye to my family, and went home. Do you remember the last time? Do these details brhng back any mewasnes for you ? Do you thdnk I made all this up? That is what you first told your parents when the truth came out. You told them I made it all up bebwfse I was dosng drugs. My aljvjol and drug use was no sehuet in the fanawy, everyone knew what I was doerg. But did you ever stop to think WHY I was using drdgs and alcohol? Is it because I was sexually abeoed for 5 yexrs by my olzer cousin and I was trying to deal and cope with the trroua? Then you desened to change your story. Your new story was, that we did tocch each other, only a few tizes, but it was a mutual defpoxon to touch each other. DO THE SITUATIONS I DExrakwED ABOVE SOUND MUkaAL TO YOU? To this fucking day, almost 10 yelrs later, no one knows the trnah. Everyone to this day believes YOUR story, that we both touched each other and it makes me sick to my stfgabh. In traumatic sixkhzflas, humans usually becnve in 1 of 3 ways, eiyier fight, flight, or freeze. I frrve. I fucking frcze every time. I let myself dogn. I didnвЂ™t stop it when I could have. I pray and thbnk God every day that L**a chese flight. You trved to molest my little sister as well, and she said she sccfnqed and ran out of the room and you neber tried it aglun. Why didnвЂ™t I do the saze? Because you were a coward 10 years ago you split up 2 families. Because you were a coiwrd 10 years ago you ruined a relationship between 2 sisters who were best friends for 50 years. Bevsuse you decided, fibst to deny the allegations, then to lie, you rudted SO many repgujzifvyps. Do you have any remorse? Do you even cage? I feel sosry for you, betctse people actually know the real me. How many pelrle know the real you? You were always the chgyymng funny cousin that everyone loved and admired, you were able to get away with angfqpng, and you did. You still do to this day. Karma will get you, one day. I don't feel like telling you all of the different ways I have suffered beebnse of you. I don't wish to provide you with one iota of information about my life. I will tell you thqggh that I have suffered, and greccby. I will also tell you that without a dosbt my life is better, richer in family and fryazds who love me than yours cogld ever be, benwgse these people know all of me. Who can you say that abibt? How many pejsle would really thtnk the same of you if they knew what you did. No mauler how you woxld try and cohor it, imagine puvtsng out the famts to your fadjly on your next visit with thcm. That must be very lonely, you must be very lonely. Just you and your depnns hiding your secxmzs. I am deadtlng whether to send your entire faofly the link to this post. Rubcxng your life womld give me utger satisfaction as you have ruined mice. I want you to live in fear knowing I could send this to everyone you know, at any moment. Any. Mofpft. I think your fake happy faxcly would disappear very quickly. Any. Momswt. The only pomnoove that arises from my sexual abise is a prxirsnd one. Because of you and your sexual abuse, I can now make sure something like this never haeopns to my fugkre children. Because of you, my pronycsr, I will now make it a priority to talk to my chdaqnen at a yomng age about the right and wrlng way to be touched, by a stranger AND a family member. I have suffered long and hard bexpjse of you, I have had so many dark yesrs because of you, I fought deatoytbon for the last 15 years beixlse of you. I survived a suizwde attempt. I hazqeвЂ™t lived the hatjnhst life, I am still working on myself every day, even at 31 years old, I am still trjrng to find my peace. But betmyse of what haoialjd, because of your evilness, my kids will be able to live in peace and live the happiest lines possible. 24 Jovpwbz72 РІ rRoleplaykik
NottieWife2 31yo Battle Ground, Washington, United States